


The Way It Was But Wasn't (Embassy Row)

by ValaSidra



Category: Embassy Row Series - Ally Carter
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/M, Please read author's note at the beginning and at the end!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28470255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValaSidra/pseuds/ValaSidra
Summary: Grace thinks on how she had a happily ever after, but how it was different from a happily ever after. What conclusions did she draw?
Relationships: Grace Blakely/Alexei Volkov
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	The Way It Was But Wasn't (Embassy Row)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is after the last book. I am mainly using this as a way to vent. Pretty much all of the feelings and experiences that I have Grace feeling and experiencing is what I feel and experience in my life. I have gotten a bit better. I have found friends that really help me express my feelings. I still have bad days and all of that. I don't think my friends even know how much they help. I just want to share this in the hopes that it helps someone in a similar situation. That is why I put it at Teen because this is a really important topic to me, and I want people to know how seriously I take this. Thank you so much for reading this, and if there is anyone that you feel may need to read this, please share. Enjoy!

Grace watched as snow fell in the city around her. She had her happy ending. Why couldn’t she actually  _ be _ happy? She had her boyfriend, Alexei, and he brought light to the dark cloud that was her life. Despite this, she still felt numb. There are occasions that she would wake up and be ready and happy for the day. She would feel like she could take on the world, but there were days that she felt that she couldn’t even last a minute. Conversations felt practiced and fell flat on the emotional scale. She became so good at pretending she was alright, she didn’t know how to be any other way. She buried how she felt and forced a happy demeanor until she went numb. She almost forgot what happiness actually felt like. On the days that no matter what she does, she can’t bring anything but a forced smile, she has forgotten. When she tries to remember if it is a warm feeling spreading through her body or if it was a light feeling, she can’t. She wants to talk to her friends. She wants to tell them how she feels like she is drowning in a sea of numbness, and she doesn’t know which way is up and which way is down. She wants to tell them how she can’t tell if she is laughing because she is laughing or if she is just laughing because that is what is what she is supposed to do. When she tries, the words don’t come. When they ask her how she is doing, she tells them that she is fine. She has forgotten how to tell people how she feels. That is what really terrifies her. She knows that there are days that she wants to scream the pain that fills her like a well out into the world, but there is something plugging the hole, but there are days that she is genuinely happy. She is shocked at how well she has developed the mask that she has. How well she has perfected pretending to be happy. No one notices the difference on the days that she is only sad or only numb. Even now, talking to her dear brother, Jamie doesn’t notice. No one does.

“Grace?” Jamie began with a question in his voice, “Are you alright?”

Grace nearly burst into tears when he asked that. Someone noticed. Someone finally noticed. All she needed to do was tell him “no”, and he would know that she wasn’t alright--that she hadn’t been alright in a long time.

However, despite the fact she desperately wanted to say no, the words, “I am fine. How are you?” left her mouth. 

Jamie just answered her question and continued on with the conversation. She wanted to cry for a different reason now. She had gone on for so long with the mask of being fine that she didn’t know how to force masks into it. She desperately wished to tell him. The same pattern continued with Alexei and Noah. She could hardly believe it. Was there a chance at the mask breaking? She didn’t know. All she knew was that she wished to tell someone. She wanted to admit to wanting to stay in her bed and just hold the covers above her to hide away from the world. She wanted to wash away the feeling of hopelessness that she had on some days. She wished she was the girl she pretended to be when she got her “happy” ending. She knew that it had been a new start, but maybe there was a chance she would eventually get better. All she had to do was shove at the mask, and it would break. 

She didn’t know when, but there would eventually be a day when Alexei would ask, “Are you okay?”

She would finally respond with, “No. I am not okay right now.”

There would also be a day that she would say to her brother, “I may not be better now, but I will be eventually.”

She would be able to cry the tears that she shoves to the side until they overflow. She would finally reach a moment where she doesn’t need the mask. There would be a moment where the mask would completely disappear. Those were the days she looked forward to. She may not believe in them yet, but maybe someday she will. Happily ever after wasn’t all it was said to be, but maybe happily ever after isn’t a destination. Maybe it is a journey. You reach the end of one awful tale and work until you are finally able to feel the happiness of that happily ever after. That was all she wanted. Happiness. All she had to do was look in the right places. It isn’t one big moment. It is just a billion smaller ones.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Again, please share this with people if you feel that they could use this. Just one person showing that they care can make a person's day brighter. Please comment and let me know any thoughts about this that you want to share. If you have ever felt this way, it gets better, and I know that good friends can help. Thank you for reading! Stay safe and support each other!


End file.
